D: Hey, i have heard X likes you a lot and is deeply in love with you?
E: Hmm.
D: So, is she?
E: How will i know? She hasn't said anything to me.
D: Come on, she must have given some signs!
E: Perhaps, but i never witnessed anything conclusive.
D: Conclusive! Who are you, an evidence seeking idiot?
E: Look, as long as she keeps her love to herself, it's her personal matter, and doesn't concern me. If she ever did reveal it, i'll tell her that i cannot return her feelings. Though i hope that these rumours are wrong, because i hate to disappoint someone who only means good to me.

Sigh. How long can one talk to a wall?

"Sadness is but a wall between two gardens."
Kahlil Gibran

What a poetic way to say!

"In human intercourse the tragedy begins, not when there is misunderstanding about words, but when silence is not understood." ~ Henry David Thoreau

And that, i believe, is one of the most difficult things of all. Silence is ambiguous to the uttermost degree, and yet, how much we rely on it. Whenever we are afraid to say anything, we seek shelter in silence. Silence gives refuge when words betray us, but what will you do when Silence betrays you as well?

In The Monologue Simone de Beauvoir presents a woman who is extremely bitter of the whole world around her, and as she lies abandoned in her old age, she wishes:

"O God. Let it be true that You exist. Let there be a heaven and a hell I'll stroll along the walks of paradise with my little boy and my beloved daughter and they will all be writhing in the flames of envy I'll watch them roasting and howling I'll laugh I'll laugh and the children will laugh with me. You owe me this revenge, God. I insist that you grant it to me."

Ah, the only reason why she believes in a God is because it satisfies her cruel impulses, because it gives her a reason to believe that her enemies will suffer from extreme torture. How much of this is also the motivation behind our belief in a heaven and hell?

Pain and suffering is much more bearable when you are aware that you are not the only one going through the trouble. A lonely victim is the most miserable of all. Misery is reduced in intensity when it is shared.

"I no longer know anything. Not only do I not know what kind of a person I am but also I do not know what kind of a person i ought to be. Black and white merge into one another, the world is an amorphous mass, and i no longer have any clear outlines. How is it possible to live without believing in anything or in myself?"

[The Woman Destroyed, by Simone de Beauvoir.]

Nobu says to Sayuri in the novel Memoirs of a Geisha, "I don't misjudge people. If you aren't the woman i think you are, then this isn't the world i thought it was." This was precisely what i felt about a certain person. Despite over-whelming evidence, i refused to believe that that person would do such a thing, because it went totally contrary to her nature as i had perceived. I still don't know whether i was right or wrong, but i do know that if i am wrong, i'll have to reanalyze my whole view of human nature again.

Some days back, i raised the question that why do we love. [http://awais.tigblog.org/post/79019]. At that time, i had proposed that there is no reason for love, and that this emotion is irrational. But after some thinking, i also realized that many times when we fall in love, it is because of a reason... and that is, habituation. That person becomes a habit. We become so used to his/her presence that the very idea of his absence seems to produce anxiety. This is the sort of love that is found between family members and siblings, and also the love that develops in an arranged marriage, between a husband and wife, when they have no feelings of intimacy at the time of their marriage but feel certain that time will bind them together... and well, it usually does too. And an unusual example that is coming to my mind is the often heard cases [at least, in fiction] of the abductees falling in love with the kidnapers. That, too, is a product of habituation.

There are no facts, only interpretations.
Friedrich Nietzsche

But an interpretation of what? If there are no facts, what will you interpret? If there is no objective reality at all, what it is that appears to us as phenomena, as something that is shared by all humans?

I remember that in adolescence, when i discovered that Bertrand Russell was an atheist, i was horrified, and i felt a knot in my stomach and i had a feeling of dread like you have when your best friend is being tortured right infront of you. Of course, at that time i was quite religious, and the idea that Russell would go to hell was very disturbing, since i was greatly inspired by Russell. And the question "Why would Russell go to hell? This isn't fair!" kept in my mind for a long time, and was instrumental in shaping my thought's about religion.
I still remember that sentence by him which i had read and first found out that he was an atheist:

"I believe that when i die i shall rot, and nothing of my ego will survive... But i should scorn to shiver at the thought of annihilation. [Bertrand Russell, What I Believe]

"What you are, you are by accident of birth; what I am, I am by myself. There are and will be a thousand princes; there is only one Beethoven." said the great Musician Ludwig van Beethoven himself. Let us all cheer for him on his birthday for showing the world what music means.

* Art! Who comprehends her? With whom can one consult concerning this great goddess?

* Music is a higher revelation than all wisdom and philosophy.

* Music should strike fire from the heart of man, and bring tears form the eyes of woman.

Sometimes i feel a spontaneous lingering impulse to keep quiet and remain silent, and then i stop talking, and just observe what is going around. Silence too is an important part of one's life, for it is in silence that we allow our soul to speak, and it is only in silence that we can hear what secrets it has to offer. A moment of self-reflection, a moment of contemplation, a moment of discovery... this is what silence means to me.

Happy Birthday to George Santayana, the American philosopher, poet and essayist!

* The God to whom depth in philosophy bring back men’s minds is far from being the same from whom a little philosophy estranges them.
[Santayana's response to Francis Bacon's statement that "A little philosophy inclineth man's mind to atheism, but depth in philosophy bringeth men's minds about to religion."]

* Matters of religion should never be matters of controversy. We neither argue with a lover about his taste, nor condemn him, if we are just, for knowing so human a passion.

* My atheism, like that of Spinoza, is true piety towards the universe and denies only gods fashioned by men in their own image, to be servants of their human interests.

* Religions are not true or false, but better or worse.

* Each religion, by the help of more or less myth, which it takes more or less seriously, proposes some method of fortifying the human soul and enabling it to make its peace with its destiny.

* The Bible is a wonderful source of inspiration for those who don't understand it.

Last night Mumani, Mehreen and Zebu had come to Lahore. They were invited on the Pakistan Academy of Family Physicians' Conference, and there was a dinner at night, so they took me along as well. It turned out to be a pleasant night. Saleha was there along with her sister. A surprise to see her. She must have noticed me as well, and i feel as if her sister did too, because as they passed by me, she looked at me, and said something to a woman beside her [her mother?] who then looked at me smiling as well. And look at the coincidence, Hira Saeed, my Riwazian class fellow and Mehreen's current, was also there, and obviously she spotted me too.
Aman ullah made a performance there. Zebu wanted to have a pic with him, but was declined the honour because when Zeby asked Aman ullah was eating.

* All truly great thoughts are conceived by walking.
Friedrich Nietzsche

I don't know about others, but surely it holds a great deal true in my own personal experience. I remember all those nights when i was walking outside my house, and thinking about things great and small.

* An artist never really finishes his work, he merely abandons it.
Paul Valery

Does that mean that an art of work has no real objective perfection, and that it can be kept on being improved indefinetly? Hmmm.

I am reading 'The Woman Destroyed' by Simone de Beauvoir, and in it the main character, a wife of an unfaithful husband, asks the question twice to two persons, 'Are you happy?'. This caught my attention because i am in the habit of asking this questions too. Here are the two instances from that story:

"I asked Isabelle whether she were happy. 'I never ask myself, so i suppose the answer is yes'.
At all events, she likes the moment of waking up. That seems to me a pretty good definition of happiness!"

--

"Are you happy?"
"There you are, that's one of your words. It really has no meaning as far as i am concerned."
"Then that is to say you're not happy?"
Aggressively she replied, "My life suits me splendidly."

Suppose the person you love asks you "Why do you love me?", what would you answer?

I love you for your beauty?
I love you for your intelligence?
I love you for the way you talk?
I love you for your smile?
I love you for your money?
I love you for your fame?

No matter what reason you give, the very association of a reason for loving seems to somehow undermine the notion of love. Perhaps the only answer that doesn't give a negative impression is:

I love you for you no reason at all.

But then this seems absurd and irrational. Maybe love is irrational.

Of course, it sounds appropriate and even makes sense to say:
'I like you for your intelligence.'
But this statement gives a very different impression if you say:
'I love you for your intelligence.'

Think about it.

Yes, that's me. :)

We often tend to think of love in a static manner, that the way we love a person would be remain the same throughout the relationship. Nothing could be more far from reality, i believe. Because even within a single relationship, if it spans over a long period of time, there is bound to a change in the manner of love between the couple. People change, and the way they love also changes, and relationships deteriorate when the love dyanamics of the two persons involved are not synchronized.
And it is not necessary that a person will continue to experience love in the same form as he has in the first relationship. For example, if a person had an experience of romantic passionate love in the first instance, it is not necessary that his next love relationship would be of the same nature. It might be of a totally different kind, such as friendly, companionate love.

So, the idea of static love is an illusion; the dynamics of love are as dynamic as human life.

[I am writing this post from the computer lab in my university. My internet refused to be cooperate with me last night, and i was unable to post. Internet can be really frustrating at times!!!]

Saad: Oooh! so you commited love in sheer confusion? Sudqay jaoo!

Me: Love is the emotional outcry of a choatic heart. Wow. Not a bad definition at all.

Saad: Tow kya peaceful, tranquil hearts pyar nahi kersaktay? [Trans: Then can't peaceful, tranquil hearts love?]

Me: Muhabbat bai qarari hai, muhabbat aik dard hai, muhabbat aik aah hai, muhabbat madhooshi hai, muhabbat janoon hai! Magar aap ki baat bhi baja hai. :-) [Trans: Love is an uneasiness, love is a pain, love is a sigh, love is ecstasy, love is madness! But what you say is also true. :-)]

Here is a small quiz i made to check your knowledge of the philosophers. It is just for fun, so no need to be dishonest. :)

Questions:

1. Which philosopher used the pseudonym ‘Anti-Climacus’?
2. Karl Marx wanted to dedicate the English edition of Das Kapital to which person, who politely declined this honour?
3. Gaunilon wrote the book In Behalf of the Fool to refute which philosophical argument by which philosopher?
4. Which philosopher was called ‘the China-man of Königsberg’ by Nietzsche?
5. Which philosopher had a dog named Atma?
6. Which philosopher’s ideas were published by his students based on their notes under the title ‘Blue and Brown Books’?
7. What was the name of the lively group of American philosophers in Harvard which included great names like William James and Charles Peirce.
8. Which philosopher declined the Nobel Prize for Literature?
9. Socrates’ philosophy was preserved in the works of two of his pupils. What are their names?
10. Which book by which philosopher awakened Kant from his ‘dogmatic slumbers’?

Nietzsche said 'To him who feels himself preordained to contemplation and not to belief, all believers are too noisy and obtrusive; he guards against them.' And this aphorism came to my mind again and again today, as i was being forced unwillingly into an argument on religion. Why do these religious people consider it their duty to convince others of the validity of their beliefs, and anything short of a full acceptance is seen an insult to their faith. This is very irritating. Believers are too noisy even when they are silent!

An interesting day indeed. The main event of today was the quite sudden and unexpected encounter with Faria. Near the beginning of holidays i had sent Faria a scrap on orkut, but she hadn't replied. And almost a week before college opening i had sent her a message saying 'Am i of such ill repute that i do not deserve even a polite formal reply?' I had expected that she would reply to this rather provoking statement, but she didn't. A disappointment indeed.
Now suddenly out of the blue today she made a move. I was coming out of the DH washroom and i saw her standing in one corner. Lowering my gaze, i began to walk away, and when i was near the refrigerators, i heard her voice calling me 'Awais!'. I stopped and turned, and she came walking. She asked me about the timings of the Youth Vision lecture series. I had displayed its notice a couple of days back. I told her its 3 pm. She said, yeh kia fazool time hai. I said, its on sundays. And she nodded in understanding. I said i could give her the details of the speakers if she can tell me which lectures she intends to attend. She said she hadn't made up her mind yet. Then she asked, is it worth it? I replied, sometimes it is, sometimes not. She asked about the venue, and i asked if she had seen GC and she said no, but hurriedly added that she'll ask someone. And that was the end of our meeting. A surprise indeed. I wonder what does it mean? Seems like she had some change of mind when the college opened, and she used the excuse of Youth Vision, because the notice i had displayed mentioned both the time and venue. Amusing. :)

And this evening i also received an email from Naeema, congratulating me on my fine work in Faces of Winter. Made me really happy!!

This is an extract from the article 'Unjust to Women' by Irfan Husain, which appeared in today Dawn newspaper. I think it would be of interest to many Muslims here:

"A year or so ago, I received an email from a woman in the US with a Muslim name. She wrote that she was 24, and asked why she should remain a Muslim, given the low status she saw in the scriptures accorded to her gender. Normally, I never enter into a discussion about somebody’s faith, or the lack of it. I just don’t think it’s any of my business.

But as she had asked me a specific question, I replied that for its time, the Holy Quran signified a huge step forward for women as it gave them rights no other religion or society had even conceived of at that point in history. She replied that this was all very well, but I was talking about a stage 1,400 years ago, and the world had moved on since then. Women in non-Muslim societies now enjoyed far more rights than their Muslim sisters, so why should she follow a faith that made her inferior to men?

I had no easy answer, and our correspondence ended on this note. The truth is that for many Muslim women today, several Islamic provisions regarding the laws of evidence and inheritance do appear to disadvantage them. And as they give men authority over women, the former are naturally reluctant to contemplate a change in this set-up. Indeed, the entire social order is tilted in favour of men, and when one community or sex wishes to redress the power balance, an intense struggle takes place. This happened in the West over the last century, as women fought for, and won, equal rights. But although western women are equal under the law, pockets of discrimination and gender bias remain."

http://www.dawn.com.pk/weekly/mazdak/mazdak.htm

And that mystery poem by the squared S, what was that about? A sign from God? A cruel twist of fate? The devil having amusement at my cost? Nothing is more unreachable and yet inviting than those enigmatic words... i don't even know if they bear any relation to me at all!!!

"Nothng is more frustrating than wasting the most intimate feeling of your "self" on a statue of fear,confusion and vegetableness!!!" said my friend Saad Javed. Perhaps nothing can represent better so succinctly the dilemmas of my past, my disappointments and pains. A love that is met, not by a 'Yes', not by a 'No', but a bitter, opaque silence! Nothing can be a worse fate for love than this. Why does one fall in love with a statue? But the first law of love is that 'the heart decides and the mind obeys...'. No amount of reasoning can convince a stubborn heart of the stupidity or absurdity of this emotion. In the end, you have to give up and suffer in silence. Perhaps one too then becomes a statue.

Happy birthday to Noam Chomsky, one of the greatest living intellectuals! A tribute to him in the form of quotes:

* As soon as questions of will or decision or reason or choice of action arise, human science is at a loss.

* Colorless green ideas sleep furiously.

* Either you repeat the same conventional doctrines everybody is saying, or else you say something true, and it will sound like it's from Neptune.

* Everybody's worried about stopping terrorism. Well, there's a really easy way: stop participating in it.

* If we choose, we can live in a world of comforting illusion.

* Personally, I'm in favor of democracy, which means that the central institutions of society have to be under popular control. Now, under capitalism, we can't have democracy by definition. Capitalism is a system in which the central institutions of society are in principle under autocratic control.

* The Bible is one of the most genocidal books in history.

I visited my previous college today and sat on the bench in the ground, and enjoyed the breeze and the sunshine, just like i used to do when i studied there. It was a very peaceful feeling. The intermingling of past and present is still continuing, and i had the feeling today as if God was trying to remind me of something, some aspect of my past that i hadn't noticed before, some aspect that needed to be seen in a new light... the feeling that i am missing something from my own past! It was wierd sensation.

Today's song: Comfortably Numb by Pink Floyd... kept coming to my mind continuously today, and set me in a strange mood.

"There is no pain you are receding
A distant ship smoke on the horizon
You are only coming through in waves
Your lips move but I can't hear what you're saying
When I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my eye
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it now
The child is grown
The dream is gone
And I have become
Comfortably numb."

My Fsc fellow Muneeb came to meet me today, and it was lovely meeting him after a long time. He had his new look with a beard, which suited him real well. We talked a great deal, of old times, old boys, old girls. :) Ah, the memories of the past, what a wonderful thing they are... how they bind two persons in a not-to-be-broken bond.
And recently, my past seems to be making its way into my present. A lot of old friends and aquaintances are reappearing, old stories are being brought up again, old gossips gaining new heat... its a bit disorienting. Its also nostalgic. But memories are memories, and they will always be valuable to me. This is the song that comes to my mind as i write these lines:

"Forever, and ever, you'll stay in my heart
and I will love you
Forever, and ever, we never will part
Oh, how I love you
Together, forever, that's how it must be
To live without you
Would only mean heartbreak for me."

['I say a little prayer for you' by Aretha Franklin]

Last night was the first rain of the winter in Lahore, and it was absolutely magnificent. Such a beautiful weather, i really felt uplifted and happy. And yet, it was sad and thoughtful in its own way. The romance poured down sadly from the sky... and i was reminded of the song 'November Rain', even though November had just recently gone by.

"When I look into your eyes
I can see a love restrained
But darlin' when I hold you
Don't you know I feel the same
'Cause nothin' lasts forever
And we both know hearts can change
And it's hard to hold a candle
In the cold November rain
We've been through this such a long long time
Just tryin' to kill the pain
But lovers always come and lovers always go
An no one's really sure who's lettin' go today
Walking away
If we could take the time to lay it on the line
I could rest my head
Just knowin' that you were mine
All mine
So if you want to love me
then darlin' don't refrain
Or I'll just end up walkin'
In the cold November rain"

Today i delivered a lecture on 'History of Existentialism'. It was a public lecture organized by Youth Vision, a student organization. It was a great experience. The audience was very enthusiastic and the question answer session was very interactive.
The transcript of the lecture can be read at this link:

http://www.geocities.com/awaisaftab/Existentialism_lecture.htm

*Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love.
Albert Einstein

and

*Love is metaphysical gravity.
R. Buckminster Fuller

And some thoughts which were lying dormant in my mind came with full realization today. My concept of love and companionship has grown into something very unorthodox. I feel as if i don't believe in the essence of marriage any more. Love is not a social institution, love can never be a social institution. Marriage is a pathetic attempt to achieve that. There is no love in marriage, and if there is, it is of a sort which doesn't attract me. I feel like a Sartre; i need a Beauvoir.